Lockdown gig guide: May 2020

Turns out Lockdown Stage 4 is a bigger fuck you than Stage 5 was. Even non-smokers were beginning to look forward to smoking. And now we need to get up at sunrise to take a walk around the block and be in bed at 8. And no booze, although they didn’t even bother teasing us with that one.

The social engineering is an old Nat’s wet dream, and the kragdadiges in the ANC also seem to be getting off on it.

It seems to road to the dream of open theatres and cinemas and music venues just got longer, but artists – who should be getting state salaries for still making work – are here to help us endure our own company.

Music

Pink Floyd were making music for a future dystopia when China was still slang for your mate. Dark Side of the Moon is hailed as one of the greates albums of all time, but if you know your Floyd, you’ll probably have some other favourite. These crazy diamonds are also known for insane trippy live concerts. To a world in need of reminding that the Man has always been out to get you, they’re streaming previously unseen, rare, or archive concert footage on their Youtube channel every Friday. Friday nights just got better. Hope you harvested that weed this summer.

Apparently Standard Bank, they who use our money to sponsor the Standard Bank Young Artists Awards, are live streaming home performances from jazz award winners. Whatever you think or don’t think about corporate branding, our jazz ous are world class. First up was the blow-your-socks-off in a sublime kinda way bassist Shane Cooper. It happens on Thursdays, so it’s like Jazz Thursdays now. Via Insta, it seems you have to follow @standardbankarts to get the buzz, and you can try #SBHomeStudio or #SBYoungArtist to find the channel.

Film

If you want to brighten up your lockdown day, watch this award-winng short film, Loot, by South African director Greg Rom featuring fantastic local actors. Made about ten years ago, it is a very different take on the bank robber scenario: https://vimeo.com/49318034

Theatre

Seen as you’re not buying that daily Cafe Latte anymore, use the money you’re saving to keep the Baxter Theatre alive. It is one of the most productive theatre’s in the country and because it’s affiliated to the university, it does not qualify for state funding, but only receives a third of its annual budget from the cash-strapped UCT. They have a #BaxterCoffeeAngels campaign going which involves donating just R30 a month so they can get back to enriching our lives once the pandemic recedes. Go to www.baxter.co.za and keep performing arts alive.

Some theatre makers have adopted the philosophy that theatre is live and that’s that. They’re not trying to go virtual somehow, but rather prepping work for when theatres light up again. It’s a valid view. Others, however, and especially those who hustle in the stand-up comedy sphere, which is far more translatable to the digital medium, are hustling hard with the interwebs. Notable are Rob van Vuuren, Louw Venter, and Nik Rabinowitz. Well, on our timeline anyway. (Shit they’re all white guys – send us some black handles).

Rob and Louw have re-glued their Twakkie and Corné snors and resurrected The Most Amazing Show. It’s come a long way since they first threw a raw chicken at each other at the Independent Armchair Theatre. They’ll help get you out of any lockdown blues. Hook into them on Insta, @louw_venter ’cause Twakkie’s interwebs don’t always work so well.

Also, @nikrabinowitz provides daily pep talks from his toilet. He’s like your uncle in the lavatory business. They don’t charge for entertaining us, but it would be nice to scan their BUSQR code and give your share. BUSQR has turned out to be the collection plate in the church of the arts and latter day saints. Pay your tithe, your lockdown would be miserable without them. Or more miserable.

We aren’t able to watch plays in New York and London, but now neither can New Yorkers or Londoners. They’re also having to do withouth the live and make do with streaming and virtual whatnot. Which means, hey, if you got wifi, you’re totally global. Make good use of it while it lasts and watch Phoebe Waller-Bridge’s Fleabag from the Soho Theatre. This acclaimed one-woman show has been described as ‘rip-roaring’, ‘comic’, and not what it at first seems. You get 48 hours of access to it for about R90 (£4). Your money also goes to Covid charities.

Fleabag is one of a list of theatre works to view online published by Time Out London. There’s dance, musicals, ballets, and children’s shows. Check them out here.

We started watching Lippy, described as “a hallucinatory experimental theatre masterpiece”. Given the very real hunger and possibility of starvation among poverty stricken families due to the lockdown, Lippy is particularly pertinent. It is free to view although many of the other shows cost a few ronds, but consider it part of your normal ticket purchase budget. Click here and use the password ‘context’.

Literature

For something off the beaten track, there’s The Dewdrop, a simple site featuring poetry and short prose from some of the greats and many of the unheard-ofs. It’s got a sort of spiritual focus, so good for if you’re winding down, or winding up for your yoga or meditation sesh (because how else are you surviving lockdown?). Seriously, if you want a break from scrolling the news, thedewdrop.org, is a quieter corner of the internet. You can subscribe to their weekly newsletter if your inbox isn’t cluttered enough. You can also submit words you’ve strung together.

Other

If Pink Floyd doesn’t blow your top (see under Music) you can join the OMG quiz Nights on Friday nights and stand a chance to win a case of beer. Before you get too excited, you can only claim your prize once the cat in the hat decides alcohol regulations are to be lifted. However, if you are still keen, the quiz theme for this Friday 1 May is Harry Potter. You can have max four players per team, at R25 per player (tickets on Quicket). It all happens on Zoom, of course. Go to OMG Quiz Nights on Facebook for deets.

If you’re a burner and feeling despondent about not being able to gather on the blasted shale of ‘Tankwa Town’ with a bunch of other substance-addled people and things that go blinkety-blink, don’t worry, there’s a Homeburn happening May 2 and May 3. There’ll be a whole lot of livestreaming pulled onto one platform. Expect non-functional goggles strapped to top hats and feathers and vests. Go to home.afrikaburn.com if you’re interested. If you do participate, we suggest you roll around in your veggie patch to get appropriately dusty before you login or do whatever it is that you will be doing. You can always wear an orange onesie and call yourself Kenny. Good luck, have a ball.

Whacked

If you have any beer left in your house you either own your own bottle store, have connections we’d really like to make friends with, or you have some sort of delayed gratification pathology. In which case, this is likely to really turn you on: Beer Yoga. No really. It is what it says it is: yoga with beer. Which gives new meaning to ‘hold my beer…’ I understand tennis with beer. Even soccer with beer, but this? Check it out on YouTube and if you dig it and, most crucially, have beer, you can do it via Zoom with the Mzansi School of Yogic Arts this Friday 1 May at beer time, 5.30. You can find it here.